Tag: loss

Grief Surrounds Me

by eileentroemel, posted in Life

In the last year and quarter, I’ve gone to six memorial services or funerals.  Lately, I’ve felt that’s all that is left to us.  We live, we love, we die.

If we’re lucky, if we’re very lucky, we have people in our lives who will grieve for us when we are gone.  My great aunt passed away on Christmas Eve.  I didn’t know her.  This in itself is so sad because I would have liked to know her stories, heard them, grown up with them.  My grandfather didn’t speak with his siblings (most of them) for whatever reasons.  So the cousins on that side of the family, I didn’t know.

Right now I have two friends who are coping with the loss of their partners.  Men who were dear to them.  This morning I read an email from one of these friends and it broke my heart to hear how callously she was treated after her husband’s death.  Officials were rude, inconsiderate, and obnoxious.  She’s grieving and struggling to draw breath.  She has no energy to deal with snotty officials who can’t summon a shred of common decency.

I can’t remember a time in my life when I wasn’t coping with death.  My grandparents started dying when I was five.  I don’t have a lot of memories of them other than funerals and stories others tell.  As I read my friend’s email about her experiences, I couldn’t help but feel her grief and her sorrow.

My great aunt has 22 descendents who seemed to spend her visitation celebrating her life rather than grieving her loss.  In my mind, this is how a memorial should go.  It should honor the person who has passed with their stories – good, bad, and indifferent.

My friend who sent the email – we are email friends.  We started on a writer’s group and spun off to exchange regular emails – often daily.  I’ve never met her.  I never met her husband.  Yet in all the funerals and memorials I’ve attended in the last year.  This is the one that moved me, touched me so deeply I was compelled to write.

For all the people in my life and in the world who are dealing with grief.  I don’t know if this will help but I hope it expresses an empathy for what you feel:

Grief Surrounds Me
Grief surrounds me
wrapping me in a blanket
of numbness, anger, sadness
Grief surrounds me
with the loss of loved ones
a part of my heart dies
Grief surrounds me
shadowing every thought
every decision, every deed
Grief surrounds me
death and loss overwhelm
everything leaving me empty
Grief surrounds me
pounding at me hope
ripping away my faith
Grief surrounds me
tearing at my heart and soul
until I’m sure I can bear no more
Grief surrounds me
until time passes
and I keep breathing
Grief surrounds me
except when it is
pushed back by love
Grief surrounds me
but love warms me
helping me cope with the horror of
Grief surrounding me

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

by eileentroemel, posted in Life

No, I’m not going to start spouting about a Clint Eastwood movie but the title seemed appropriate for all the things I want to talk about.

Vicki made it safely to Wisconsin and we’ve had a good visit with her.  I missed my other girls this holiday but know they had other responsibilities and obligations.  Ken’s family Christmas was good.  I have to say two of his nieces have done a great job raising their daughters – Tara and Marcia.  Their daughters were friendly, polite, and welcoming.  The behavior of these four girls reassured me that not all of our society is going to hell (see my post about Are you the One on MTV).  I had wonderful conversations with many of his family and enjoyed the time we spent with them.

Christmas day, Vicki and I organized my craft room.  It was nice to stay home and not have to drive anywhere.  We got all the yarn sorted into the shelving and baskets I wanted them in.  Vicki stole many skeins of yarn I had purchased but I won’t complain.  By the end of the holidays, I had two new scarves that are amazing.  The one I’m thinking of adding a button to and making into a wrap or shawl.  It is GORGEOUS, soft and warm.

Friday we ran all over the place.  We went to Shopko, Woodman’s, Joann Fabrics, Sorgs, my mom’s, my work, the university for Vicki to get her id and we picked up a friend.  We returned home to order supper and video chat with Virginia and Stephanie while everyone opened their gifts.  It was a twenty-first century holiday.

While at my mother’s, I found out my great aunt had passed away.  Her visitation is tomorrow night so I will be picking up my mom and sister to go to it.

Saturday Vicki and I cooked.  I miss cooking with her.  We worked together in the kitchen with me chopping and prepping and her cooking.  We made turkey meatballs for her and us, beef meatballs for Ken, and she made lasagna for us.

Sunday Vicki went home.  This always makes me a little sad.  My friend came over who lost her significant other in November.  She has been so busy, she hasn’t had time to grieve.  We talked at length about the death of her loved one.  I reminded her that she is going through the natural and normal grieving process.

After my friend left, I opened my email to wade through a day’s worth of emails.  I was thrilled to see an email from a friend.  Unfortunately, that email included the sad news that her husband had passed away. They just celebrated their anniversary with a renewal ceremony.  He’s been in pain and struggling with depression.  Within the last year, she lost her father to illness.  She’s having a rough time.

My heart breaks for my friends who are struggling with the losses in their lives.  Their grief is heartbreaking.  The loss they feel is sharp and painful.

Death is a demanding beast and it seems like I’ve been to a lot of funerals and memorials lately.  It is difficult to express the sorrow and compassion you feel for people and sound sincere.  I’m sorry for your loss is lame.  But what else do you say?

Sorrow and joy seem to go hand in hand this season.  It is a balance of emotions I guess but not in the way I think is healthy or positive.  For those who are grieving, I send them love and positive energy in the hopes that it gives them a bit of comfort.  In my experience, sorrow and loss is only dulled with time and patience.

A Look Forward

by eileentroemel, posted in Uncategorized

I’m feeling a lot stressed out tonight.  I get all sorts of emails from my union and other political places and I try to be very conservative about what I pass on.  Today one of the things I got from my union was a link state employees can go to plug in their gross income and then answer questions about union status and insurance.  It will tell you how much you might lose from your check if this goes through.

Someone who is good at math do the math for me.  Okay I’ve already done the math.  I’m losing 11% of my income.  In one check I’ll be losing nearly $200 in the other I’ll be losing about $65.  This is on top of the 3% they are already taking for the furlough days. 

On top of this possible loss of funds, I’m looking at a strong possibility of being laid off because I’m still on probation.  The governor said today that layoff notice will go out tomorrow afternoon to 1500 workers who will have to be cut.  You only get like 65% of your income on unemployment right?

Then I look at the pump and gas just keeps going up and up.  It was $3.43 a gallon yesterday and they are calling for it to be nearly $5 a gallon before summer. 

On the news tonight I heard that our city is looking at having to up either taxes or fees because of the cut to the recycling program proposed by Walker’s budget.  This doesn’t address the nearly $300,000+ that the school district is losing (not sure on that number)

All I can see is money out of my pocket.  I’m trying to meet my bills and stay on top of things but at this point I don’t know if I will be able to. 

It doesn’t help that most of this is just a what if thing.  Will I get laid off?  Will I lose 11% of my income?  Will fees and/or taxes go up in the city?  Will gas prices go up?  If gas prices go up will food prices go up?  How many will end up unemployed? 

I guess the question becomes will there be a second job available for me when I need it?