A Journey Home

My mother passed away on October 12.  It’s been a difficult two weeks with her being ill and then dying.  My family and I have worked through her funeral and working on her estate.  I’ve been so busy, I’ve not had time to get to grieving.

I’ve been touchy.  The littlest thing will either make me cry or be exceedingly angry.  There’s no rhyme or reason to it – this is just my process.

The funeral was on Monday.  Yesterday two of my daughters flew back to their home.  My husband and I spent the afternoon doing things like walking through her apartment to double check everything and turning in her keys, returning the picture boards to the funeral home, returning her phone modem and turning off her phone service.  I spent more time writing thank you cards and organizing money to go to the church for their youth programs.

Writing some of the thank you cards took a lot of time.  They needed to be worded with care.  The doctor and nurses who helped mom in her last days deserved to know how much we appreciated the care they gave her.

Today I went back to work.  I was exhausted before I got to work – another symptom of my grieving.  I’m able to sleep a little better now.  The last couple weeks my sleep has been sporadic.

The care I’ve received – I don’t really have the words for how much people have given to me.  I’m still in the numb phase so don’t feel anyone needs to comfort me until I crash and need the comfort.  People are willing to listen and talk or not talk about it.  My faculty and student workers have been patient and understanding.  The care and concern they have shown warms my heart.  A friend who planned a vacation postponed it to be at the funeral.  She offered distraction and advice as she was able.

My niece listened to me grumble as I stressed over getting tasks done.  She took time to care even as she grieved.  The family came together without contentiousness and helped each other.  I’m impressed we could manage this – we are a bunch of strong willed people who all like their own way.

My daughters and husband have been there through all of this, helping me as I did tasks which had to be done.  They encouraged and supported me.  I can’t say enough about them.  With the five of us together, we spent time together, had meals together.  In all the stress, they were the best part of the last two weeks.

Mom loved her grandchildren.  She loved seeing them, talking to them, and spending time with them.  My daughters all got to say I love you to her and hear her say I love you back on her last day.

In my head, I see her walking to dad.  She’s not in pain.  She’s happy, healthy, and at peace.  I see my father, who passed 34 years ago, greeting her with a passionate kiss because he never could keep his hands off her.  I think they’re planning their next trip or making love.  

Grief Surrounds Me

In the last year and quarter, I’ve gone to six memorial services or funerals.  Lately, I’ve felt that’s all that is left to us.  We live, we love, we die.

If we’re lucky, if we’re very lucky, we have people in our lives who will grieve for us when we are gone.  My great aunt passed away on Christmas Eve.  I didn’t know her.  This in itself is so sad because I would have liked to know her stories, heard them, grown up with them.  My grandfather didn’t speak with his siblings (most of them) for whatever reasons.  So the cousins on that side of the family, I didn’t know.

Right now I have two friends who are coping with the loss of their partners.  Men who were dear to them.  This morning I read an email from one of these friends and it broke my heart to hear how callously she was treated after her husband’s death.  Officials were rude, inconsiderate, and obnoxious.  She’s grieving and struggling to draw breath.  She has no energy to deal with snotty officials who can’t summon a shred of common decency.

I can’t remember a time in my life when I wasn’t coping with death.  My grandparents started dying when I was five.  I don’t have a lot of memories of them other than funerals and stories others tell.  As I read my friend’s email about her experiences, I couldn’t help but feel her grief and her sorrow.

My great aunt has 22 descendents who seemed to spend her visitation celebrating her life rather than grieving her loss.  In my mind, this is how a memorial should go.  It should honor the person who has passed with their stories – good, bad, and indifferent.

My friend who sent the email – we are email friends.  We started on a writer’s group and spun off to exchange regular emails – often daily.  I’ve never met her.  I never met her husband.  Yet in all the funerals and memorials I’ve attended in the last year.  This is the one that moved me, touched me so deeply I was compelled to write.

For all the people in my life and in the world who are dealing with grief.  I don’t know if this will help but I hope it expresses an empathy for what you feel:

Grief Surrounds Me
Grief surrounds me
wrapping me in a blanket
of numbness, anger, sadness
Grief surrounds me
with the loss of loved ones
a part of my heart dies
Grief surrounds me
shadowing every thought
every decision, every deed
Grief surrounds me
death and loss overwhelm
everything leaving me empty
Grief surrounds me
pounding at me hope
ripping away my faith
Grief surrounds me
tearing at my heart and soul
until I’m sure I can bear no more
Grief surrounds me
until time passes
and I keep breathing
Grief surrounds me
except when it is
pushed back by love
Grief surrounds me
but love warms me
helping me cope with the horror of
Grief surrounding me

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

No, I’m not going to start spouting about a Clint Eastwood movie but the title seemed appropriate for all the things I want to talk about.

Vicki made it safely to Wisconsin and we’ve had a good visit with her.  I missed my other girls this holiday but know they had other responsibilities and obligations.  Ken’s family Christmas was good.  I have to say two of his nieces have done a great job raising their daughters – Tara and Marcia.  Their daughters were friendly, polite, and welcoming.  The behavior of these four girls reassured me that not all of our society is going to hell (see my post about Are you the One on MTV).  I had wonderful conversations with many of his family and enjoyed the time we spent with them.

Christmas day, Vicki and I organized my craft room.  It was nice to stay home and not have to drive anywhere.  We got all the yarn sorted into the shelving and baskets I wanted them in.  Vicki stole many skeins of yarn I had purchased but I won’t complain.  By the end of the holidays, I had two new scarves that are amazing.  The one I’m thinking of adding a button to and making into a wrap or shawl.  It is GORGEOUS, soft and warm.

Friday we ran all over the place.  We went to Shopko, Woodman’s, Joann Fabrics, Sorgs, my mom’s, my work, the university for Vicki to get her id and we picked up a friend.  We returned home to order supper and video chat with Virginia and Stephanie while everyone opened their gifts.  It was a twenty-first century holiday.

While at my mother’s, I found out my great aunt had passed away.  Her visitation is tomorrow night so I will be picking up my mom and sister to go to it.

Saturday Vicki and I cooked.  I miss cooking with her.  We worked together in the kitchen with me chopping and prepping and her cooking.  We made turkey meatballs for her and us, beef meatballs for Ken, and she made lasagna for us.

Sunday Vicki went home.  This always makes me a little sad.  My friend came over who lost her significant other in November.  She has been so busy, she hasn’t had time to grieve.  We talked at length about the death of her loved one.  I reminded her that she is going through the natural and normal grieving process.

After my friend left, I opened my email to wade through a day’s worth of emails.  I was thrilled to see an email from a friend.  Unfortunately, that email included the sad news that her husband had passed away. They just celebrated their anniversary with a renewal ceremony.  He’s been in pain and struggling with depression.  Within the last year, she lost her father to illness.  She’s having a rough time.

My heart breaks for my friends who are struggling with the losses in their lives.  Their grief is heartbreaking.  The loss they feel is sharp and painful.

Death is a demanding beast and it seems like I’ve been to a lot of funerals and memorials lately.  It is difficult to express the sorrow and compassion you feel for people and sound sincere.  I’m sorry for your loss is lame.  But what else do you say?

Sorrow and joy seem to go hand in hand this season.  It is a balance of emotions I guess but not in the way I think is healthy or positive.  For those who are grieving, I send them love and positive energy in the hopes that it gives them a bit of comfort.  In my experience, sorrow and loss is only dulled with time and patience.

Life, Life, Life

Life is what happens when you’re planning your life, right?  Unexpectedly, we got to see Virginia this weekend.  It was wonderful to see her but unfortunately, she came home for a funeral of a friend’s mother. 

I spent my weekend running around, visiting with people, and accomplishing nothing useful.  I did get some editing done while Virginia was off with her friend. 

Funerals are always difficult.  This time of year is a little rough for me as it is the anniversary of my father’s death.  I was pregnant with Vicki at the time.  He was a good man, strong, loving, stubborn, accepting of who I was.  I have to say I’ve rarely felt as accepted as I did when dad was still here. 

Fall is about endings and most endings I handle just fine.  The ending of my father’s life marked me and changed me.  Up until his death, I had experienced death of my grandparents, uncle, cousins, but none of those deaths affected me as much as his.  I miss those people but I miss my dad more. 

Letting go is one of the hardest things we have to do in life.  It is a matter of trusting that when we let go of what we are clinging to that things will be better or we will have a better understanding of whatever we are hanging on to. 

This fall I guess I’m letting go a little more of the grief (yes I still grieve 30 years later) and embracing the memories I have of my father.  I can list off a dozen words to describe him but it doesn’t get to the core of how much he loved and cherished his family.  No matter what he accepted and helped us handle what needed to be handled. 

I’m sure he had flaws.  I know he was stubborn and proud.  For me, he listened.  He listened when I felt no one heard.  He hugged when I  needed it and he was firm when I needed that too.  I hope he’s proud of who I am and what I’ve accomplished.  I know he’d love his granddaughters and be excited for their accomplishments. 

Grief is hard, has a hard edge to it and usually eases over time.  There are times when we lose people in our lives who are so dear and precious that the grief never stops but we have to learn to cope with it.  One way I cope is by honoring the person who has passed. 

Death … and other scenes…

I’m working on a story – fiction – and I just killed off my first good character.  This is a character that is what I’ll call a second tier character.  She’s not a main character but is closely related to the main characters.  I’ve never written a scene like this before.  It was challenging.  I wanted to it to be a gradual realization who was killed so I found myself writing and re-writing sections to make it less forthright. 

Often I laugh at what I write.  I’ll giggle over dialog I write or even over things that happen to my characters.  I’m moved by the story as it unfolds.  So it was no surprise to me when I’m writing this scene where the woman’s parents and lover are standing over her dead body saying goodbye.  I hope it is as poignant as I think it is.  I’ll find out when I get to editing.

This story needed a catalyst to make the battle seem real, to drive home the point that what the characters are doing have lasting and devastating affect on the other characters.  I’m handling it in a bit of a different way too.  Without giving too much away, the story is about people who are trying to throw off a bad government.  It takes place in a time of magic and swordplay – both of which are outlawed by the government.  Well the heroes have been fighting the bad guys and have killed some.  There have been a number of battles which are not always easy to write and choreograph. 

With the death, I didn’t want the reader to find out about it during a battle.  My main character has to inform the parents of the death of their daughter and that is where the scene starts.  I am liking how it is turning out…

Another thing I’ve noticed is that the scenes seem to settle around me until I can almost reach into them and feel what the characters feel, experience what they are, taste what they eat, feel the hardships they are coping with… Sunday when I was doing crafts with everyone, I kept playing this one scene over in my head.  I filled in little details like puffs of dust coming off the ground as our heroes head from one battle to the village they were protecting.  I can almost feel the heat of the late summer, the dry dusty road, the wilting affect the heat has on everyone from horses to characters.  The deeper I get into the story the more I can experience the writing in this way.  It is fascinating…