Once Upon a Time, Bitches
Branden LaNette came to me through a tour company.
Branden LaNette doesn’t look like a typical author but she has long ignored what she “should” do, say and look like. On her own at a very young age, Branden eventually found herself with the wrong guy, the wrong job, and a bleak future. The fairytale she was promised as a child never materialized.
Finally, Branden decided that she wanted something different for her life, and realized no one was going to do it for her. Prince charming wasn’t coming to save her—she’d have to save herself.
Step by step, decision by decision, through major trials and tribulations that would stop most people in their tracks, Branden learned how to turn heartbreak into happiness and self-judgement into inner joy.
Today, Branden LaNette is an entrepreneur, coach, speaker, wife, and stay-at-home Mom to six C-section babies (ages 1-16) and way too many f-ing pets. Somehow, however, she manages to juggle all of this effortlessly (a blatant lie) while pushing her way through the kinds of fear and self-doubts that whisper within all of us (totally true) to achieve her goals. Her most recent dream come true is this book, one that is destined to have a major impact on millions of women across the globe (or at least nine people in Michigan.)
Through it all, she has found her happiness, her joy, and more importantly, her voice.
Tell us about yourself.
I am a wife, and a mom to six kids. I thrive on dreaming big ridiculous dreams, and I love spending time in a quiet room by myself. I’m a walking paradox. I’m always finding ways to grow and things to improve. I annoy my kids because there’s always a life lesson in every conversation. I also run my own business and have currently taken on the role as a published author, and I couldn’t love my life more. OK, I’m lying. I can give you a list of 1000 things that would make me love my life more and I’m chasing every damn one of them… my mind never turns off.
When did you know you wanted to be an author?
Since grade school, teachers have put whispers in my ear about a natural talent I had for writing. It was a seed planted in me as a kid, a natural talent that I was born with. It hasn’t played out exactly like I thought it would, but I am excited to have a voice where it matters. Everything has worked out for me splendidly and I’m grateful for that. I am my happiest when I am creating something with words on paper.
What genres do you like to read? Are these the same genres you write in?
Currently, the genre I’m published in, is definitely my current favorite read. My personal growth is so important. I am shaking off years of toxic beliefs and thoughts that had me restricted from growing. I used to thrive in make-believe and write fiction like crazy, but I think this came from not thinking it could be my reality. Now that I know truth is better than fiction, I’m obsessed. My second favorite, I’m definitely a sucker for vampires and werewolves. I don’t think that’s ever going to change. I wouldn’t ever write in that genre but it is definitely a great read. Stephen King also mesmerizes me. His mind is like nothing else that this universe has experienced.
Is your book for adults, young adults or children?
I wrote this for adults, but a lot of moms with teenagers have expressed their children’s love for it. A little language never killed anyone, but it has made me feel like I probably need to release a book for teenagers, with maybe one with less F bombs. If they could skip through the years of bullshit I endured. Their life would get an incredible jumpstart on what it is to be happy and not give a f**k what anyone says or thinks. I am a mom that has homeschooled and experienced my kids being in public school. I have a lot to say about these subjects, so I think teens need me to step up for them.
What is your current release or project?
Once Upon a Time, Bitches is my current release, I am incredibly grateful at the traction it has gained. 2020 will be the follow up of this book – and even bigger and better.
Tell us about the key characters
There is no key character when it comes to my book, other than you. This is about you owning and taking responsibility for your life and then doing something to change it if you’re not happy. If you’re not joyful and content, this is your truth to discover.
What is your blurb or synopsis of the book?
My publisher wrote this so here it is!
That’s Branden on the cover. Yes she has a boy’s name, a Mom bod, and her tattoos are not photoshopped. She doesn’t look like your typical author and she sure doesn’t look like the next self-help Instagram sweetheart. However, besides being a wife, mom to six kids (plus others with fur), coach and business owner, Branden is the author of the new book, Once Upon a Time, Bitches. It’s a fast paced, in your face, expletive laced, nothing held back message to women everywhere: There is no magic fairytale, but if YOU work at it enough you can come pretty close to creating your version with a happily ever after. But first, no more whining and no more damsel locked in a tower, bullsh*t. Is it possible to design a fairytale life? Control your destiny? Be the hero in your story? Branden thinks there is and she wants to help you.
Share an excerpt
Sometimes my dreams conflict with the needs of my family. I need my sanctuary to let my mind create as it was meant to, which doesn’t always match up with my husband’s schedule. While he is sound asleep at 8:30 each night, I’m blasting some random BoJack Horseman on Netﬂix and knocking out word count in bed, wedged between a sleeping baby and cranky toddler. When he wakes up, as the sun starts peaking over the horizon, I am closing my laptop and ﬁnally falling asleep.
Dreams don’t require perfect circumstances to be achieved. And as one of my mentors, John Maxwell, said: “Dreams don’t work unless you do.”
I don’t complain. I just do the work.
And I don’t throw in the towel when things get tough. If I did, I’d be throwing it in a hundred times per day.
“But you don’t understand, Branden—I’ve got to work. I’ve got bills to pay. I’ve got a family. I’ve got obligations. I’ve got to volunteer for the bake sale at my daughter’s school on Saturday. My back is out. My car is in the shop. Someone stole my laptop. My boss wants me to work the weekend. I’ve got this, I’ve got that. I’m stuck!”
Stuck? What do you mean, you’re stuck? You’re not a f-ing tree. Your roots aren’t planted, bitch—unless you want them to be. Take responsibility for where you are. Be mindful that it was all a choice, and if you don’t like it, this is your do over.
Move your bitch ass, damnit!
If you think you were going to get to this point of the book and I was going to start cutting you slack, you haven’t been paying attention. Maybe that “I can’t do it” bullsh*t works on other people in your life. It doesn’t work on me. I’ve been through too much and come through it to accept bullsh*t excuses.
Do you have a favorite scene?
The favorite part of my book, is the part where I encourage you to forgive the people that aren’t sorry… I have a lot of magic in these pages, but I feel like we have to free ourselves from the burden of the past to step into the future fully. The most powerful movement in my life was forgiving my mom. She’s never been sorry. It was freeing.
What advice would you give a beginner?
My dearest beginners. You’re going to feel like quitting, no matter what you do. The magic comes from pressing on even through the hardest moments. The only time you can fail is if you quit.
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