I keep thinking I should have something profound to say, something to share which will give meaning to … well death. In reality, I’m so busy right now I am not sure most of the time if I’m coming or going. I’m dealing with the latest cluster of tasks for mom.
|G Walter, Grace, Bud,
Eunice, Joan & Harley
First it was oh no she’s going to the doctor / ER / hospital in Madison! My cluster of tasks included getting time off work and trying to keep up with the most vital tasks. I needed to make sure there was food, gas, and other things. Sitting with her, giving her time to rest while still making sure she knew I was there.
I hate hospitals – I hate them. The smell, the sounds, the people. I hate them. Shoot me in the head before you take me to one to die.
The next cluster of tasks had to do with – mom’s dead. Now we need to notify… everyone who ever knew her. We had to make the choices for the funeral and arrangements for people to get there. No one tells you the million and one decisions you have to make when in reality your mind is still busy trying to process … everything.
|Joan holding Aimee|
Going back to work was a relief – a hint of normal in an otherwise chaotic time. I knew what was on my desk – mostly. I knew what was expected. I really spent more time being supported by the people there – did I need anything?
With a small break, the next cluster of activities was post funeral – what to do with the pictures, the flowers, the cards, the money… Let me tell you – if you love someone – plan your damn funeral down to the minutest detail so they don’t have to think about it but only have to follow directions. Tell them the songs you want, the words you want said – whether religious or irreverent.
|Joan & Virginia|
Post all of this crap – I’m still not slowing down. I had a writing event to go to. It was a good experience in that I met a lot of interesting people. It was a crappy event in that the organizer had no clue on how to organize.
Now I’m dealing with will / finances cluster of tasks… life insurance, closing bank accounts, retirement, sorting out her things. It’s never ending – but reality is life goes on. I want to have that moment – where tears fall and I feel all the sorrow but all I feel is numb and a need to organize and get the most recent cluster of tasks done.
This weekend is pay weekend so I’ll be working on budget, errands, and cleanup from last weekend which will involve working on a newsletter. Next weekend is going to my sister’s house to organize mom’s things. This will lead to the next cluster of tasks – dispersing those things according to her will and her wishes.
I tell people I’m fine or that I’m hyper irritable (to which a good friend asked how would we tell). In reality – I don’t know what I feel – I’m too busy taking care of the different cluster of tasks. Like it has in the past – it will likely be something ridiculous which sets off my tears.