Waiting for the Tears

I keep thinking I should have something profound to say, something to share which will give meaning to … well death.  In reality, I’m so busy right now I am not sure most of the time if I’m coming or going.  I’m dealing with the latest cluster of tasks for mom.

G Walter, Grace, Bud,
Eunice, Joan & Harley

First it was oh no she’s going to the doctor / ER / hospital in Madison!  My cluster of tasks included getting time off work and trying to keep up with the most vital tasks.  I needed to make sure there was food, gas, and other things.  Sitting with her, giving her time to rest while still making sure she knew I was there.

I hate hospitals – I hate them.  The smell, the sounds, the people.  I hate them.  Shoot me in the head before you take me to one to die.

The next cluster of tasks had to do with – mom’s dead.  Now we need to notify… everyone who ever knew her.  We had to make the choices for the funeral and arrangements for people to get there.  No one tells you the million and one decisions you have to make when in reality your mind is still busy trying to process … everything.

Joan holding Aimee

Going back to work was a relief – a hint of normal in an otherwise chaotic time.  I knew what was on my desk – mostly.  I knew what was expected.  I really spent more time being supported by the people there – did I need anything?

With a small break, the next cluster of activities was post funeral – what to do with the pictures, the flowers, the cards, the money… Let me tell you – if you love someone – plan your damn funeral down to the minutest detail so they don’t have to think about it but only have to follow directions.  Tell them the songs you want, the words you want said – whether religious or irreverent.

Joan & Virginia

Post all of this crap – I’m still not slowing down.  I had a writing event to go to.  It was a good experience in that I met a lot of interesting people.  It was a crappy event in that the organizer had no clue on how to organize.

Now I’m dealing with will / finances cluster of tasks… life insurance, closing bank accounts, retirement, sorting out her things.  It’s never ending – but reality is life goes on.  I want to have that moment – where tears fall and I feel all the sorrow but all I feel is numb and a need to organize and get the most recent cluster of tasks done.

This weekend is pay weekend so I’ll be working on budget, errands, and cleanup from last weekend which will involve working on a newsletter.  Next weekend is going to my sister’s house to organize mom’s things.  This will lead to the next cluster of tasks – dispersing those things according to her will and her wishes.

I tell people I’m fine or that I’m hyper irritable (to which a good friend asked how would we tell).  In reality – I don’t know what I feel – I’m too busy taking care of the different cluster of tasks.  Like it has in the past – it will likely be something ridiculous which sets off my tears.

Hostile Work Environment

Herein lies a rant.  Don’t say you weren’t warned.

The other night on the news there were two stories which annoyed me – obviously enough I’m still thinking about them.  One story was about the juvenile prison which had five employees attacked over the weekend.  The story was all about the how they have a hard time keeping employees.  
The other story was about the DA in Dane county announcing they are no longer going to be able to prosecute all crimes due to a shortage of employees, i.e. prosecutors.
Both of these stories hit a note with me.  I’ve worked for the State of Wisconsin since 2006.  I’ve liked my jobs and the people I work with.  The different departments I’ve worked for have been interesting and like most jobs there were great things and not so great things.  Then 2010 rolled around.
In 2010, the governor basically said state employees were bankrupting the state and they were horrible people.  This started a war against state employees.  For a time insurance cost more, before it became a political move to lower the cost of our insurance.  But instead of the state covering what they used to, they changed the insurance so there are more co-pays, more deductibles, and more money out of my pockets.  
Public service employees are typically paid less but the benefits used to be some of the best.  Now the pay is mediocre and the benefits are getting too costly.  
Back to the two stories, why would someone work for an organization which vilifies its employees?  Why would you accept a job which has mediocre pay when you can make more in the private sector?  The reason the government can’t fill the positions is because the top people have made working for the state a bad deal.  There’s a disrespect for the ethics of the employees.  
If you want employees who will stick, you have to provide them with good wages and benefits, as well as a safe work environment.  If you aren’t providing these things, you aren’t going to get quality employees who are willing to stay.  To our top government officials, get your heads out of your asses, stop helping the rich and start doing what you’re supposed – representing EVERYONE in the state, not just the rich.

Financial Fidelity

On the Talk yesterday, they were discussing financial fidelity.  This means that you are open and honest with your partner about your spending, savings, finances.  You don’t hide purchases.  Leah Remini stated that the men in their lives make them lie by being critical of their purchases. 
No one makes us lie.  We lie because we don’t want to deal with the fallout from our actions.  If you are going to lie about what you are purchasing, what else will you lie about? 
Here’s the thing in my mind, if the hubby doesn’t like that you are buying too many of something then look at your purchases.  Are you?  Have you got excess that you don’t need?  Was the latest purchase an impulse?  If you do then maybe it is time to modify your actions. 
On the other hand, if it is just him saying don’t spend money, it needs to become a discussion about why he thinks he gets to say what you can and cannot do for small purchases.
Ken and I have always made a point of buying large things together.  Neither of us spends large sums of money without the other being aware of it.  The small purchases aren’t as important.  Yes Ken will grumble a bit about the number of books I have but he knows better than too much.  We both work.  We both bring in the money.  You know what though; if only one of us worked it wouldn’t matter.  It has always been OUR money.  We are a partnership and as such our money goes to pay the family bills and meet the family needs.
Your partner is the one closest to you and if you can’t be honest and straight forward with him, then you need to reassess your partnership.  Also this behavior begs the question – again – if she truly feels this way, why is she not taking personal responsibility for her own actions?  If you are spending money on shoes or books or whatever, and your husband objects then you need to own it.  Yes I went shopping and yes I bought more shoes.  I like them and I’m planning to continue.  He will either deal with it or the two of you will have an issue.  But face the fact that your actions may be causing that issue.