It’s a pay week so lots of errands and chores to do in the house. About half of them are done. Now I’m turning my attention to other tasks. I have a lot of writing tasks to do as well as start with going through my mother’s photos. Plus I’m going to a reader event next weekend so all of the prep for it has to be this weekend.
In reality, all I really want to do is curl up and sleep. For the last three weeks sleep has been sporadic. As well as dealing with my own grief, I’ve been helping others cope with their grief. I find myself wrung out and exhausted. I know this means I need to take some me time and everyone has their own idea of what that should be.
For me, it means clearing things off my to do list. It comforts me and helps me feel like I’m productive. For instance, the photos are all cluttering up my office. In reality my mother loved to take photos but as she got older and less steady, the quality of her pictures declines. She also took a ton of nature pictures which no one really wants. They really only meant anything to her. If I work on the photo albums I have, will it make me feel better? I don’t know. It sure won’t hurt and I could maybe clear out some stuff from my office.
All sorts of people have been telling me how I should grieve. I know they mean well but in general what works for other people doesn’t really work for me. I figure my own way of doing things.
Part of my grieving is to write – posts like this one and the last one. I express myself well (generally) in words. Sometimes to just put it on paper helps. It’s out of my head and I can move forward.
Today and tomorrow are going to be about doing what I need to do for me. I’m not sure what those things will be but I’ll figure it out as my mood evolves.
I’ve told people I’m hyper-irritable. Mostly I think I’ve reach the stage where I need quiet. I’ve been surrounded by family and people for a lot of days. At some point, I always need quiet and alone. There’s something about being quiet and alone which helps me. I can hear my own thoughts and feel my own feelings without having to support anyone but me.
I’m sad my mother is dead but I KNOW she’s at peace and with my dad. This doesn’t make me sad, it’s a relief. It’s a relief to not worry the moment I see the assisted living facility on my phone – to wonder – is this another fall or another problem? The worry is gone. At the same time, I find myself thinking – oh mom would like … and about the time I get that far, I realize mom’s gone. The moment hits me hard. At the same time, I know it’s okay. It’s supposed to hurt and it’s supposed to be sad and it’s supposed to be a relief.
I don’t expect anyone to grieve the way I do – though I’m sure there are similarities. This is a process and I’ve taken the first step through this jungle of emotions and responsibilities and tasks. The first wave of it has rolled over me. I’m looking within now to assess where I’m at and how I feel.
Working on my to do list distracts me but at the same time helps me. This weekend will be about working through some of those items.