It’s been a week. The weather changed and my pain level is up. I try to remember this most days but sort of lost it at work. My student worker got to listen to me complain and curse. I apologized it shouldn’t have happened. I did close my door, call my sister and complain to her. I got over it mostly but there are just things which annoy me. I had one of those days.
All around, rough week. Pain at levels which are nearly unbearable. I hear my inner voice saying things I don’t really feel or believe but when I’m weighed down with pain it takes me to places I don’t want to go. This is not a plea for pity or sympathy – a statement. My hope – if I talk about this which I hate doing – someone out there will know they aren’t alone and will know someone else understands.
Movement equals agony. Breathing is work. For me the worst part is I can’t crochet. I am struggling to write when I’ve got stories pounding in my head. The things which lift and change my mood – which is supposed to help – are too painful to do.
This is what chronic pain is. This is what I deal with. It makes it hard to be positive and upbeat and pleasant. My job requires pleasant.
I get through. I’m not giving in to this bullshit. The pain will ease. The pain will fade. I’ll sleep. I’ll work on a story until the pain has shifted. I’ll do what I can to get through it. It’s all I can do.
Part of me wants to rail on the medical community but really what’s the point. I’m to a point where I accept they’re not going to help me. All I can do is find ways to cope.
So on to normal – whatever that is. It’s pay week. I’ve paid bills. Ken and Vicki will run errands tomorrow. I’m hoping for a quiet weekend. I’m hoping I can spend time writing and publishing things I have done. I’ll have to see how the weekend goes.
It seems like we always have a lot going on every weekend. I have a stack of crocheting on my couch I’d like to finish. I have several projects I’d want to experiment with. I just need to get my arms, back, and neck to stop hurting.
Tomorrow I can sleep later. I’m hoping to sleep until I naturally wake up. This helps with the pain but again, it’s a pay week so busy weekend. I’ll see how things go. Ken and Vicki like to grocery shop at like six in the morning. I see no reason to acknowledge six am exists. They’re happy morning people. I’m going to post this blog and go write. If the writing is going, I hope it will keep me busy for a few hours.
I’m working on an independent story. If that peters out, I’ve got Wayfarer 17 and a few other options for working on writing. I also have editing to do. Always there seems to be editing to do.