chronic pain

It’s been a week. The weather changed and my pain level is up. I try to remember this most days but sort of lost it at work. My student worker got to listen to me complain and curse. I apologized it shouldn’t have happened. I did close my door, call my sister and complain to her. I got over it mostly but there are just things which annoy me. I had one of those days.

All around, rough week. Pain at levels which are nearly unbearable. I hear my inner voice saying things I don’t really feel or believe but when I’m weighed down with pain it takes me to places I don’t want to go. This is not a plea for pity or sympathy – a statement. My hope – if I talk about this which I hate doing – someone out there will know they aren’t alone and will know someone else understands.

Movement equals agony. Breathing is work. For me the worst part is I can’t crochet. I am struggling to write when I’ve got stories pounding in my head. The things which lift and change my mood – which is supposed to help – are too painful to do.

This is what chronic pain is. This is what I deal with. It makes it hard to be positive and upbeat and pleasant. My job requires pleasant.

I get through. I’m not giving in to this bullshit. The pain will ease. The pain will fade. I’ll sleep. I’ll work on a story until the pain has shifted. I’ll do what I can to get through it. It’s all I can do.

Part of me wants to rail on the medical community but really what’s the point. I’m to a point where I accept they’re not going to help me. All I can do is find ways to cope.

So on to normal – whatever that is. It’s pay week. I’ve paid bills. Ken and Vicki will run errands tomorrow. I’m hoping for a quiet weekend. I’m hoping I can spend time writing and publishing things I have done. I’ll have to see how the weekend goes.

It seems like we always have a lot going on every weekend. I have a stack of crocheting on my couch I’d like to finish. I have several projects I’d want to experiment with. I just need to get my arms, back, and neck to stop hurting.

Tomorrow I can sleep later. I’m hoping to sleep until I naturally wake up. This helps with the pain but again, it’s a pay week so busy weekend. I’ll see how things go. Ken and Vicki like to grocery shop at like six in the morning. I see no reason to acknowledge six am exists. They’re happy morning people. I’m going to post this blog and go write. If the writing is going, I hope it will keep me busy for a few hours.

I’m working on an independent story. If that peters out, I’ve got Wayfarer 17 and a few other options for working on writing. I also have editing to do. Always there seems to be editing to do.

It’s been a rough week. I’ve had higher pain levels and less motivation for a week. I’m still struggling with pain but I can’t let that stop me from moving forward with things that need to get done.

The good thing about a rough week – I listened to a number of audio books while I crocheted. It is about the only thing I can do that doesn’t hurt. I finished three gifts and two other small projects.

The purple shawl is supposed to have buttons on it but I want to have Vicki here so I can place the buttons in the right spots. This was a pattern I liked the looks of but had to rework it. The person who designed it gave only directions for a magic ring start and a non-chain double crochet. I’ve done them. I don’t like how they look. I rewrote the pattern and I think it turned out nicely.

The blue scarf isn’t done yet though I’m close. It is baby yarn that will make a nice light weight scarf for spring / summer / fall. I still need to get some length on it but I’m pleased with how it is working up.

I finished my niece’s afghan, the throw for my student worker and a hood / wristers set for another student worker. I’m not posting pictures of them for obvious reasons but I do have to say I think the afghan turned out particularly nice.

I finalized the cover for Wayfarer Aegis and got preliminary covers for Wayfarer Trials and Murder Next Door. TJ Jahns did a wonderful drawing of what I needed for Murder Next Door.

I finished my preliminary edits on Wayfarer seven. This gives me four manuscripts to edit and I’m hoping to get them done soon. Wayfarer Aegis has the final paper edits done, I just need to get them on the computer and read them one more time before it hits production. I’ve posted a look at the cover and a description on my web site. http://eileentroemel.weebly.com/

Most of what I need to get done can be done on my netbook but production work – finishing edits on manuscripts and prep for publishing – has to be done on my computer in my office. When I’m in pain, this is difficult. Until the pain eases, I will work on whatever I can on my netbook. I certainly have a litany of tasks I can work on up until production becomes necessary.

This week I’ve struggled with attitude and self image. When all I can do is sit in the recliner and hope the pain will ease enough so I can think, it drags me down into a well of grumbliness. I hate not being able to get done the things I know need doing. I keep reminding myself it will pass, it will get better. All I can do is what I can do when the pain washes over me.

People genuinely care and are concerned about my welfare which is nice. It helps remind me to keep looking up. When they ask ‘are you feeling better’ I hate telling them no. It’s hard for people to understand that there are layers to the pain. There are the days where I start out feeling fine but go downhill. There are days I start out feeling awful but can force myself to get through the day. There are days when I can’t do anything more than sit in my chair and hope the pain goes away. The thing is…. the pain is always there, always tearing at my joints. I can’t remember the last time I went without pain. All I can do is manage and hope I can get through what needs to be done and not fall into that well of darkness where the pain wins.

Accomplishing things, like the crocheting or writing which take little movement, helps clear the grumbliness I feel. It helps me be able to say, at least I can do this. At least I can accomplish something for now. Even in my worst moments, I know it will get better and I’ll batter back the pain to a level I can tolerate so I can keep moving forward.

Tag: chronic pain

Grumpiness Abounds