A Journey Home

My mother passed away on October 12.  It’s been a difficult two weeks with her being ill and then dying.  My family and I have worked through her funeral and working on her estate.  I’ve been so busy, I’ve not had time to get to grieving.

I’ve been touchy.  The littlest thing will either make me cry or be exceedingly angry.  There’s no rhyme or reason to it – this is just my process.

The funeral was on Monday.  Yesterday two of my daughters flew back to their home.  My husband and I spent the afternoon doing things like walking through her apartment to double check everything and turning in her keys, returning the picture boards to the funeral home, returning her phone modem and turning off her phone service.  I spent more time writing thank you cards and organizing money to go to the church for their youth programs.

Writing some of the thank you cards took a lot of time.  They needed to be worded with care.  The doctor and nurses who helped mom in her last days deserved to know how much we appreciated the care they gave her.

Today I went back to work.  I was exhausted before I got to work – another symptom of my grieving.  I’m able to sleep a little better now.  The last couple weeks my sleep has been sporadic.

The care I’ve received – I don’t really have the words for how much people have given to me.  I’m still in the numb phase so don’t feel anyone needs to comfort me until I crash and need the comfort.  People are willing to listen and talk or not talk about it.  My faculty and student workers have been patient and understanding.  The care and concern they have shown warms my heart.  A friend who planned a vacation postponed it to be at the funeral.  She offered distraction and advice as she was able.

My niece listened to me grumble as I stressed over getting tasks done.  She took time to care even as she grieved.  The family came together without contentiousness and helped each other.  I’m impressed we could manage this – we are a bunch of strong willed people who all like their own way.

My daughters and husband have been there through all of this, helping me as I did tasks which had to be done.  They encouraged and supported me.  I can’t say enough about them.  With the five of us together, we spent time together, had meals together.  In all the stress, they were the best part of the last two weeks.

Mom loved her grandchildren.  She loved seeing them, talking to them, and spending time with them.  My daughters all got to say I love you to her and hear her say I love you back on her last day.

In my head, I see her walking to dad.  She’s not in pain.  She’s happy, healthy, and at peace.  I see my father, who passed 34 years ago, greeting her with a passionate kiss because he never could keep his hands off her.  I think they’re planning their next trip or making love.  

Change of Plans

This weekend my plan was to run errands and work on organizing the paperwork in the office.  It was going to be a quiet weekend spent inside as much as possible out of the frigid weather.  This is not going to happen.
Instead I’ve run some errands but now Ken is packing the van for me to go to Indiana.  Vicki has an appointment she wants me to go to on Monday.  In looking at the weather forecast today will be a better driving day than tomorrow. 
This brings me to what would you do for someone you loved – family or friend – when they are in need.  My daughter – always concerned about me with my – has offered that I not come down but I’ve rebuffed her each time.  Why?  I’m handicapped and it is difficult for me to get around.  I have concerns about getting into her apartment and if something goes wrong while I’m driving being able to get around.  All valid concerns but at the same time – my daughter needs me. 
Because she needs me, I’m going the extra mile to get to her and spend time with her.  Hopefully I won’t encounter any of the difficulties that concern me.  If I do – I’ll deal as I have to.  Mostly, I just want to get to my daughter so I can provide the support she needs.  Worries and concerns don’t really matter because she is more important than the fear that things might be tough. 
It is more important that she have the peace of mind that me being there will bring than the concerns I have over a winter drive possibly being difficult.  I know she and I will care for each other once I’m down there. 

I love that my daughters have gone off to live their lives.  They are doing exactly what I raised them to do – follow their own path.  This is the one drawback – they are far from me and it is harder to offer care and comfort when they are in need.  I do what I can and hope they know I’m there for them.  It is the one aspect of having strong adult daughters that is difficult – they have followed their path far from home and I can’t be there in an instant – except in spirit all the time.

Anniversary

Thirty two years ago today I was a young and naive seventeen year old preparing for a journey I really had no clue what it would be like.  Unlike most girls, I didn’t dream of a certain wedding or even getting married.  Then Ken came into my life. 

Our first year of marriage was difficult as we both had to grow up, learn to be partners and parents, and cope with the pressures put on young married couples.  It was a rough year but we survived.  We lost my grandmother and other loved ones.  We worked through unemployment, money issues, and almost all issues that couples handle throughout their marriage. 

The myth for marriage is that your wedding will be a perfect day that is the beginning of a perfect life together.  That is bullshit.  It is the beginning – but it isn’t a magic ring that once you put the wedding ring on your finger life becomes perfect.  It is that you have chosen a partner to walk through this imperfect life.  With all of life’s good and bad times, this is the person you are choosing to trust with your most intimate secrets, your heart, and your true self. 

As is normal, the person you are closest to is the person who can be the best for you and the worst.  I know I drive Ken nuts with my foibles just as some of his drive me nuts.  There are few that can make me angrier or happier than him.  I’m sure if you asked he would say the same. 

Marriage is a joining of lives.  Ken and I joined our lives on this day 32 years ago.  It has been a journey of discovery both self and as a couple.  We have learned to be parents, adults, children, and every other aspect of partners along this journey.  For this journey, I can think of no one else I would have wanted to spend this time with.  Ken is my husband, my love, and my soulmate. 

Life, Laughter, Love

I’m pretty sure I’m stealing this phrase from Stephanie but it very much fits my weekend.  It has been joyful to have all my kids at home.  We’ve enjoyed a lovely weekend being together and enjoying each other’s company. 

Yesterday we had our Christmas celebration and it was great to be together.  We also had an open house and what a reminder of the great friends we have because so many of them stopped in.  There was lots of laughter and conversation. 

Today was more insular.  We just really hung out at home.  We watched movies, played Euchre and other games.  We had meals together.  There was so much laughter and love flowing none of us wanted the day to end.  Nothing spectacular happened today and yet it did because we all just hung out together enjoying being together.  We laughed a lot and enjoyed our time together.  It has been a wonderful weekend.