Category: Life

family news, commentary on any other aspect of life

For Sanity’s Sake

by eileentroemel, posted in Life

I’ve got three more days of work before I have eleven off.  I swear someone has slowed time just to torment me.  I really want it to be Friday so I can get started with the time off.

With a long long long list of stuff to do, I cannot decide what I want to do first.  There are commitments for the holidays but I’m hoping to be able to have a couple days to do only what I want to do.  Let’s be real – write.  I want to work on writing.

I’ve got Wild Magic 2 in the edit phase which I need to enter the edits I’ve done on the computer.  Do a read through and then probably print out and edit again.

Seven Sisters – working title – is also in the works.  I want to finish writing this so I can move it to the editing pile.  Sequels are pushing at me.  One is a longer one which will take time but the other will take a little more plotting out – maybe.  Generally I don’t plot things out because I never end up where I’ve plotted things.

As well as the writing projects, I have piles and piles of photo albums I need to work through in order to get them online for the family.  I’m talking hundreds I think and probably thousands of photos.  I will not be scanning every single photo but I do want to get the family pictures and a sampling of mom’s photography.  After the albums are done, we  have the same amount of slides which we will have to deal with.

Now I know all of that won’t get done over my time off but I want to make a start.  I’m hoping I can make a dent and do a few a weekend or something like that.  I’ll have to set up a system.

The holidays are approaching.  I’m not interested. I don’t know any other way to say it.  When I think of the holidays it makes me sad.  This leads to grumpy.  I’m trying not to think about it but… In a good year I have issues at the holidays and this has not been a good year.

I’ve been working on Christmas gifts / holiday items for crocheting.  I got a number of them done but I have two skeins of yarn I want to make up – mostly because I have a bunch of crochet patterns which I want to publish and these skeins will fit nicely with them.  I also think I have people who may want them.

Now if they don’t take them, I will be doing a City Market at the Whitewater Library (I hope) in January (and possibly other months).  I can always put them on the table to sell for that event.  I think though they will get snapped up before then.  I have one more pair of slippers to get done before Christmas day.  I need a break from them though as I did a bunch.  I find them tedious and annoying.  For some reason, I can usually only do about half a slipper at each sitting.

Right now I have to get pictures of two projects – can’t talk about the one as it’s a gift.  Once I get those pictures, I need to ship the one out.  The other gift will be hand delivered.  I LOVE how the two projects turned out and can’t wait to share the patterns.

End of the Year Hustle

by eileentroemel, posted in Life

The family got through mom’s possessions.  We got them divided up, organized and sent off to the appropriate sibling or charity.  This includes the difficult task of dividing up her jewelry.  Saturday was a very long and emotional day.

Now I’m working on gifts and projects.  I had five student worker gifts to make – can’t say what at this point.  Since Sunday I’ve gotten four of them done.  I’m hoping to make the last one tonight.  I’ll take pictures of them as they are new patterns and then ask my husband to please wrap them. 

This is the rest of my immediate needs for crocheting:

  • 3 baby bibs – moved up because the publication changed the date for the issue they’re going in
  • gift for my daughter’s boyfriend – again can’t say
  • blanket for the woman who organized my blog post
  • slipper socks for my niece
  • scarf and hat set for a client
I think these are the immediate needs.  I am still working on a blanket for my niece which I may submit to the publication – I may be too late for the issue.  I have to check since they rearranged dates of issues.
I’m hoping to get all of these done within the two weeks.  After I get these done, I’m going to think about making things for the markets I’m hoping to participate in.  However, I have a lot of writing things to get done as well.  
I’m sure I’m going to be bouncing back and forth between tasks.  It’s all a balancing act for me to keep moving forward in both of these areas.  
I’ve been feeling too scattered so I wrote up a to do list for my writing.  I need to break down some of the tasks into pieces so I can check them off but I’m hoping with the list, I’ll be able to focus a little better and spend less time bouncing around and more time accomplishing things.  
Work is winding down for the end of the semester so this means I can think about more things.  I’ve also got a long eleven days off over the holidays.  I’m looking forward to this as I’ll actually have about three days in the house alone.  I’m hoping those will be productive days for writing.  On the days where I’m sharing the house with other people I’ll work on things like posting patterns on Ravelry or marketing as that is easier to be interrupted than writing.  
I’m also hoping to start going through some of the photo albums of my mothers.  This is going to be a task as there are dozens of them if not hundreds.  Without a doubt there are thousands of pictures to look through, determine if they are good enough to scan, and pick the ones the family will be interested in.  My mother was a prolific photographer who snapped shots of everything.  Collectively, we’ve already decided we can’t keep them all and there isn’t time to scan them all.  Still it’s a big job and will take time.  I’m hoping to take a few hours on one of my days off and work through a number of them.  
After I get done with the pictures, the next thing will be the slides.  This is going to be time consuming as well.  Both my parents took a lot of pictures.  This means I’ve got lots of slides to go through from the beginning of their marriage to about the 70s (I think).  This will be slow going as well.  
All of this should keep me very busy through the end of the year.  I’m hoping to rest a bit during my eleven days off and come back to my day job a little less stressed.  I’m also hoping to get quite a bit of work done while I’m off. 

Life and Other Complications

by eileentroemel, posted in Life

Saturday I’ll be at the University Wisconsin Whitewater vendor sale from 10 – 3 signing and selling my books and some crocheting.  I’m concerned because the reader event I went to at the beginning of the month was a bust financially so I’m hoping this event is better. 

I’ve almost got all of my mom’s stuff divided up.  A few more days for people to look at the pictures and then I’ll print.  Next Saturday there will be a physical dividing of things. 

Mom had a lot of jewelry so I’m working on that next.  If I can get it all organized, I’ll be handing those things over next weekend.  But it’s a lot of going through and figuring out so I’ll have to see  how things go. 

A friend contacted me last night to ask about a book contract she was offered.  It wasn’t a bad deal but in reading the fine print I suggested she contact a lawyer to have it clarified.  Some of the terms were not the best. 

My author I’ve been helping has updates she wants me to make.  I’m hoping Sunday but I’ll have to see.  I need to finish the slippers I’m working on so those may have to take priority.  I have one and a half socks for the paid ones.  I have one pair to finish for the requested (from my niece).  There’s one more paid project to work on so I’ll have to see how my time goes.

At some point, I need to get mom’s paperwork all together and organized.  I’ve got it in piles so I need to organize those piles.  Then it’s a matter of hanging on to some of it for a year and then discarding.  Some of it will have to be kept for longer. 

There are times I feel like I’m drowning in tasks.  My day job has been super busy and life has been the same.  This leads to a lot of stress for me.  I’m hoping for the holiday break to clear up a number of things. 

Christmas is always hard for me and this year it is more difficult.  I find myself teary and emotional – defaulting on irritable because it’s easier to cope with.  I know this is grief but part of me is very impatient with myself because I have so much going on right now I don’t have time to fall apart.  I’m coping.  I’m tackling one thing at a time – though I have my moments.  I know it will all get done and I know people will understand if it takes longer.  Most of my deadlines are for me – I’ve already put off editing / publishing a book because of all the chaos in my life.  It’s a matter of giving myself time and reminding myself to take a step back when I need to. 

I know when I accomplish a task it helps ease my stress.  Right now I’ve got photo albums galore in my office.  My task – scan all the good ones and distribute to the family.  The problem – the clutter is driving me crazy.  It’s a constant reminder of all the tasks not done yet.  But if I get mom’s stuff and jewelry organized, I’ll have time to work on the next step – the photos.  Behind the photos I’ve got thousands of slides which are going to need converting to digital.  I know this next year is going to be busy – very busy.  One thing at a time and checking things off my to do list.

Grief

by eileentroemel, posted in Life
Last month I was neck deep in helping a non-fiction author get her stuff published, getting Wayfarer Resolve published and a variety of other tasks when my mother started a health crisis. 
Sadly my mother passed away 10/12/2018.  This led to a ton of tasks when I was not at my best.  Writing got set aside.  I don’t easily or lightly set aside writing because it balances and grounds me. 
Here I am a month later saying where did October and most of November go?  I know I went to my day job and worked through arranging the funeral, clearing out her apartment, and well you get the idea. 
I attended a book signing (my first) the first weekend in November.  The tasks associated with my mother’s death and estate are wrapping up but I’m left feeling unsettled, sad, and crabby.  I’m all for finding a nice recliner and curling up in a cave somewhere no one can bug me.  Reality is that isn’t going to happen. 
Writing is my sanity.  But I’ve not had time for writing.  This is never good.  I’ve got a manuscript in my bag and I started edits on it.  I’ve read on my phone using my kindle app to highlight grammatical errors I find as I read familiar friends (i.e. my published books). 

Over the last month, I’ve found little writing things to keep me sane.  This has helped with my grief and my stress.  I may not be able to climb into my comfy recliner in the luxury cave (yup totally have it designed with high speed internet and a large hot tub), but I am able to pick up writing tasks to ground me while I work through my grief.
Last weekend with other family members, we went through my sister’s house where mom lived prior to her health issues.  We sorted, took pictures, and discarded all of her things.  My niece struggled with memories and grief.  I shoved it all away, keeping the feelings squashed to get through the task at hand.  However, when I got to a box of stuff from her office, I discovered a stack of correspondence.  Some was letters from my sister who lives a few hours away.  The rest were all the cards her grandchildren had sent her.  She kept them all because the meant something to her.  
This simple thing – nothing worth keeping – cards with short little blurbs from family.  Yet I knew if mom were in the room, she would have said these were her most precious possessions.  This broke my reserve and brought tears to my eyes.  There was no point in keeping them but they spoke to me.
There are a few more tasks to work through, scanning pictures, figuring out slides, and so on.  Once we distribute her things among the family, her estate will be done for the most part.  The funeral and all the work will be behind us.  A part of me doesn’t want to let go of these last few tasks but I know like all the other times it’s difficult to let go – it’s time to let go.

Waiting for the Tears

by eileentroemel, posted in Life

I keep thinking I should have something profound to say, something to share which will give meaning to … well death.  In reality, I’m so busy right now I am not sure most of the time if I’m coming or going.  I’m dealing with the latest cluster of tasks for mom.

G Walter, Grace, Bud,
Eunice, Joan & Harley

First it was oh no she’s going to the doctor / ER / hospital in Madison!  My cluster of tasks included getting time off work and trying to keep up with the most vital tasks.  I needed to make sure there was food, gas, and other things.  Sitting with her, giving her time to rest while still making sure she knew I was there.

I hate hospitals – I hate them.  The smell, the sounds, the people.  I hate them.  Shoot me in the head before you take me to one to die.

The next cluster of tasks had to do with – mom’s dead.  Now we need to notify… everyone who ever knew her.  We had to make the choices for the funeral and arrangements for people to get there.  No one tells you the million and one decisions you have to make when in reality your mind is still busy trying to process … everything.

Joan holding Aimee

Going back to work was a relief – a hint of normal in an otherwise chaotic time.  I knew what was on my desk – mostly.  I knew what was expected.  I really spent more time being supported by the people there – did I need anything?

With a small break, the next cluster of activities was post funeral – what to do with the pictures, the flowers, the cards, the money… Let me tell you – if you love someone – plan your damn funeral down to the minutest detail so they don’t have to think about it but only have to follow directions.  Tell them the songs you want, the words you want said – whether religious or irreverent.

Joan & Virginia

Post all of this crap – I’m still not slowing down.  I had a writing event to go to.  It was a good experience in that I met a lot of interesting people.  It was a crappy event in that the organizer had no clue on how to organize.

Now I’m dealing with will / finances cluster of tasks… life insurance, closing bank accounts, retirement, sorting out her things.  It’s never ending – but reality is life goes on.  I want to have that moment – where tears fall and I feel all the sorrow but all I feel is numb and a need to organize and get the most recent cluster of tasks done.

This weekend is pay weekend so I’ll be working on budget, errands, and cleanup from last weekend which will involve working on a newsletter.  Next weekend is going to my sister’s house to organize mom’s things.  This will lead to the next cluster of tasks – dispersing those things according to her will and her wishes.

I tell people I’m fine or that I’m hyper irritable (to which a good friend asked how would we tell).  In reality – I don’t know what I feel – I’m too busy taking care of the different cluster of tasks.  Like it has in the past – it will likely be something ridiculous which sets off my tears.

Grieving

by eileentroemel, posted in Life

It’s a pay week so lots of errands and chores to do in the house.  About half of them are done.  Now I’m turning my attention to other tasks.  I have a lot of writing tasks to do as well as start with going through my mother’s photos.  Plus I’m going to a reader event next weekend so all of the prep for it has to be this weekend.

In reality, all I really want to do is curl up and sleep.  For the last three weeks sleep has been sporadic.  As well as dealing with my own grief, I’ve been helping others cope with their grief.  I find myself wrung out and exhausted.  I know this means I need to take some me time and everyone has their own idea of what that should be.

For me, it means clearing things off my to do list.  It comforts me and helps me feel like I’m productive.  For instance, the photos are all cluttering up my office.  In reality my mother loved to take photos but as she got older and less steady, the quality of her pictures declines.  She also took a ton of nature pictures which no one really wants.  They really only meant anything to her.  If I work on the photo albums I have, will it make me feel better?  I don’t know.  It sure won’t hurt and I could maybe clear out some stuff from my office.

All sorts of people have been telling me how I should grieve.  I know they mean well but in general what works for other people doesn’t really work for me.  I figure my own way of doing things.

Part of my grieving is to write – posts like this one and the last one.  I express myself well (generally) in words.  Sometimes to just put it on paper helps.  It’s out of my head and I can move forward.

Today and tomorrow are going to be about doing what I need to do for me.  I’m not sure what those things will be but I’ll figure it out as my mood evolves.

I’ve told people I’m hyper-irritable.  Mostly I think I’ve reach the stage where I need quiet.  I’ve been surrounded by family and people for a lot of days.  At some point, I always need quiet and alone.  There’s something about being quiet and alone which helps me.  I can hear my own thoughts and feel my own feelings without having to support anyone but me.

I’m sad my mother is dead but I KNOW she’s at peace and with my dad.  This doesn’t make me sad, it’s a relief.  It’s a relief to not worry the moment I see the assisted living facility on my phone – to wonder – is this another fall or another problem?  The worry is gone.  At the same time, I find myself thinking – oh mom would like … and about the time I get that far, I realize mom’s gone.  The moment hits me hard.  At the same time, I know it’s okay.  It’s supposed to hurt and it’s supposed to be sad and it’s supposed to be a relief.

I don’t expect anyone to grieve the way I do – though I’m sure there are similarities.  This is a process and I’ve taken the first step through this jungle of emotions and responsibilities and tasks.  The first wave of it has rolled over me.  I’m looking within now to assess where I’m at and how I feel.

Working on my to do list distracts me but at the same time helps me.  This weekend will be about working through some of those items.

A Journey Home

by eileentroemel, posted in Life

My mother passed away on October 12.  It’s been a difficult two weeks with her being ill and then dying.  My family and I have worked through her funeral and working on her estate.  I’ve been so busy, I’ve not had time to get to grieving.

I’ve been touchy.  The littlest thing will either make me cry or be exceedingly angry.  There’s no rhyme or reason to it – this is just my process.

The funeral was on Monday.  Yesterday two of my daughters flew back to their home.  My husband and I spent the afternoon doing things like walking through her apartment to double check everything and turning in her keys, returning the picture boards to the funeral home, returning her phone modem and turning off her phone service.  I spent more time writing thank you cards and organizing money to go to the church for their youth programs.

Writing some of the thank you cards took a lot of time.  They needed to be worded with care.  The doctor and nurses who helped mom in her last days deserved to know how much we appreciated the care they gave her.

Today I went back to work.  I was exhausted before I got to work – another symptom of my grieving.  I’m able to sleep a little better now.  The last couple weeks my sleep has been sporadic.

The care I’ve received – I don’t really have the words for how much people have given to me.  I’m still in the numb phase so don’t feel anyone needs to comfort me until I crash and need the comfort.  People are willing to listen and talk or not talk about it.  My faculty and student workers have been patient and understanding.  The care and concern they have shown warms my heart.  A friend who planned a vacation postponed it to be at the funeral.  She offered distraction and advice as she was able.

My niece listened to me grumble as I stressed over getting tasks done.  She took time to care even as she grieved.  The family came together without contentiousness and helped each other.  I’m impressed we could manage this – we are a bunch of strong willed people who all like their own way.

My daughters and husband have been there through all of this, helping me as I did tasks which had to be done.  They encouraged and supported me.  I can’t say enough about them.  With the five of us together, we spent time together, had meals together.  In all the stress, they were the best part of the last two weeks.

Mom loved her grandchildren.  She loved seeing them, talking to them, and spending time with them.  My daughters all got to say I love you to her and hear her say I love you back on her last day.

In my head, I see her walking to dad.  She’s not in pain.  She’s happy, healthy, and at peace.  I see my father, who passed 34 years ago, greeting her with a passionate kiss because he never could keep his hands off her.  I think they’re planning their next trip or making love.  

Crochet Weekend

by eileentroemel, posted in Crochet and crafting, Life

Today is going to be a crochet day.  I think I have three episodes of Midsomer Murders left so I’ll probably finish off those while I work on crocheting.  My goal this weekend is to finish some socks and work on a blanket.  If I manage to finish all of those, I’ll look again at the list of themes for the publication I submit to.

It’s going to be a rough day for me.  I’ve had very little sleep though I did turn in early (especially for me).  I woke up at 1:45 and haven’t really been back to sleep since.  I see a nap in my future.

Once I get these projects done, I do want to look at the themes and see what I come up with for other crochet projects I can submit for consideration.  Since I’ve been finishing up Wayfarer Resolve, I’ve not looked at them in a couple weeks.

Now Wayfarer Resolve is done, I’m working on rereading a manuscript I was working on.  I’m hoping I can finish it.  I’m also in prep mode for the reader event next month – holy mackerel it four weeks from today!  This weekend I want to do an inventory of books so I can order any I may need for the event.

I’ve got a couple crochet patterns I want to work on so I can publish them as well.  This is mostly getting them in the right format and then once I publish put them post them on Ravelry as well.

Well I’m off to work on slipper socks.  Since it’s gray and gloomy outside, it’s a perfect day to stay inside and crochet.

Entitled? Really?

by eileentroemel, posted in Life

I’ve encountered a couple of people recently who seem to think they are entitled to certain things in life.  I know these people.  They weren’t raised to think this way – they were raised with the idea that you worked hard to get what you wanted in life.  Their attitude and their arrogance surprise me because I thought better of them.

Now before people jump in to say – oh the millenials – nope not that age group – older than me.  So definitely baby boomers.

What I want to know is how do you go from a life of – work hard to achieve to gimme.  I mean I know when I took my kids to the store and they started the gimme crap, I’d tell them anyone who did that didn’t get what they wanted.  These people were raised with the same common sense.

What changed them to move from having common sense to being completely clueless?  I don’t know but it is hard to have compassion for someone who has the attitude that life owes them everything.

Ironically, both people are not in good places in their lives.  Yes, they’ve worked hard.  I can’t judge their choices but one opted out of working for a number of years and can’t understand why she has so little of what she wants.  The other has pushed away everyone in their lives but now when they need help, they expect that helping hand to be right there.

I hate cliches but you reap what you sow comes to mind.  If you put nothing into something, you obviously will get nothing back.  If you work hard and put effort into things, you’ll hopefully get something back.  It’s still not guaranteed.

To the people who feel like they’re entitled to … well you fill in the blank, I say, GROW UP.  I feel like some tough love and a reality check are in need.  

Bulging To Do List

by eileentroemel, posted in Crochet and crafting, Life, Writing

I’ve been working on a story almost non-stop for several months.  I like how it’s developing.  I like how it changed from what I thought it was going to be.  It was flowing nicely and then life got complicated.

As is usually the case, my brain can only handle so many tasks and then it rebels.  In this case, every time I open my document, I read through, do edits, and come to the end.  I may write a paragraph or two or even as much as a scene but then blank.  The problem – so many things on my to do list.

I separate my life into segments.  There’s the business of writing which involves marketing, prepping for publication, creating covers, and so on; writing; crocheting; editing (paid or for myself) and then other.  Obviously I’m not including personal here because that is always ongoing. 

My process is always affected by how much I have going on in these sectors.  I can write and write and write until I have three or four or more manuscripts waiting to be edited.  There’s a tipping point.  I think the most I had at one point was six.  Then I switch from writing (incessantly) to editing.  Some of these things go on no matter what – like the marketing.  I try to do some every day.  At the same time I’m looking at crocheting as well.  I want to do a sale in December but I’m trying to judge whether I will have enough time to make enough for a sale or not.  Then the question becomes would my books draw enough money to make a profit after I pay for the table.  Initially I was thinking of having both my books and my crocheting but I am not sure at this point.  I feel I need to make a decision soon.

The only way that decision is going to get made is if I get a couple of my current crochet projects done and off my plate.  This would mean a few nights a week I would devote to crocheting items for the sale.  Part of the problem is I don’t know how much and what to make.  I’d rather have too much than too little.  So many things rolling around in my head.

Right now, I’m trying to focus on getting stuff done.  I had stalled on one item I was working on because I didn’t like the options I had for part of the project.  Last night I figured out what I liked and wanted.  Now I have to check to make sure the end user will like it as well.  Then it’s a matter of finishing that part and figuring out one more part.  Once it’s done, I need to take pictures and send it off for submission to a publication.  I’m hoping to finish it tonight or tomorrow night.  Then I’m back on the blanket I’ve been working on.

I’ve got a book I’ve been keeping track of things in.  I realized I wasn’t carrying it and it was causing problems because I wasn’t keeping up with things.  It is now back in my backpack to help keep me on track – I hope. 

I finished a read through on Wayfarer Resolve – which I wanted published in August but it wasn’t ready.  I want to wait a day or three to let it settle, then I will do one more read through before I work on publishing.  I’m hoping before the end of September at this point.